Category: Writers Block
"Yes I have his address are you ready so 23 Otago...O.T.A.G.O Street Kelvinbridge... you want his number..all right 0141 335 741" The Doctor scribbled down the info and listened to a heavy silence seeping through from the background, {the place is normally packed and more so in horrendous weather} Billy didn't have much info on Anja, she didn't want to worry her family they dreaded losing her after her brother's catastrophic accident
He advised him to ask Garry they had swapped numbers just incase the Doctor rung off but not before he asked about casualties fortunately "there's no serious injuries just cold cuts and grazes the lad's are ok, just quiet,we 1/2 expected this with Seamus, but you're never ready eh"
The Doctor remembered the night when Seamus had been flown in terribly injured and screaming "I can't feel my legs please tell me it's the cold!" The reckless Irishman had become a regular vistor to the A&E department, they had joked about reserving a bed for him or erecting a statue but only to chase away the truth about his daredevil approach to life it was only a matter of time until his precarious luck,ran out.The last accident had been a warning which he had taken seriously, on the outside at least to keep his place in the Ullapool M R and reassure his colleagues.
"No your not kidding cheers Billy take it easy man" he replaced the reciever and drummed his fingers on the desk, before calling Garry's parents this part of the job was the worst he had done it far too often for climbers who would not survive the next few hours.
It was 6.00pm and the nurses were handing out the evening meal Garry ignored the noise and offers of food, as he pulled up a blanket and tried to disappear underneath it he found the scar from his operation,it was long neat and tactile enough an unwelcome reminder when a nurse asked him if he "wanted some tea" he forced back the tears as Andy's voice asked the same question "Garry son you have to try and eat something ok, how about some toast hmm" he dried his eyes and lowered the edge of the blanket "yeah..ok" sitting up or moving at all was becoming painful,the pethedine was wearing off and he wanted another dose of the sedative.Garry took his 1st real look at where he was thick lumps of snow all but obliterated the yellow lights of Fort William, and they blinked back in defiance his eyes scraped over the other patients tucking in and he struggled with the guilt of an accident survivor
the nurse brought his tea and toast he inched up the bed and the scar stretched "ohh man.. cheers" he put on a smile and it fell on the floor with a thud "your ok son take it slowly now that's it" with her help Garry was able to sit up the nurse moved the table within reach and he tried to find the smile "dont worry your girlfriend's ok you can see her tomorrow..we'er keeping her updated" thinking of Anja in that way helped Garry cope with the resounding echo inside his mind "why me!.. Why are we alive"
As he ate and suppressed the need to cry the Doctor informed Garry's Father of his injuries,since his brother's death they had pleaded with him to quit climbing and "find a normal job" but Garry had made a silent promise to carry on where his brother left off "your son was badly injured, we had to operate and remove 2 ribs, which were badly broken however, he's recovering well and should be fine" the Doctor's subdued tone amplified their worry and anger they felt he was hiding something "there's somethin else wrong isn't there hmm I've heard this before" "we are concerned about his mental state Garry is experiencing a lot of guilt about why he survived the accident, when he was unable to help his friends, we're keeping a close eye on him"
Garry's Father braced himself to ask about the extent of his son's distress "...is he talkin he goes very quiet we can't get a word out of him its no a good sign" The Doctor had seen many bizarre reactions to anaesthesia but the need for good conversation was not 1 of them "eh he's quiet but that's understandable after major surgery..would it help if he spoke with you I'm concerned that Garry feels abandoned ,I think the isolation he feels, is part of the problem" Garry's Father wrapped the phone cable tight around his thumb to distract himself from the deep empty ache "he's not been able to forgive... he..blames himself for no being there for his brother..we have tried to help..but we are hurtin also"
The Doctor gave him a few minutes to compose himself and asked a nurse "how's Garry now has he eaten yet" she gave him the good news and but her eyes revealed the truth "ok cheers eh..Hello.. yes I'll let you speak to your son now" he took the phone over to Garry who was drinking the last of his tea every mouthful reminded him of the dreadful descent and the rest "ok pal I have your Dad here he's anxious to hear your voice.." he quickly appraised Garry's condition as he handed over the reciever "Dad..jesus..I'm sorry..you must be goin crazy eh" he couldn't say anymore it was impossible and there was so much that they both wanted and needed, to say.
The silence was choking him he swallowed another burst of emotion and glanced out the window {right stick to the weather.....even snow's a bad move} "Dad..?" "I'm here you ok... this is so hard son will you give up now hmmm" the tone of his voice was thin but icy and left Garry feeling angry,resentful and stubborn "look you... wont lose.. me the old bugger got what he wanted...." Garry stopped in shock he wanted to reach through the receiver and pull back the words "Dad I'm sorry.. its.. the drugs we'll talk about it when I get back...and don't try and drive up here" Garry had chosen his words carefully tip-toing around his favourite and more familiar adjectives "we'er in the middle of a storm" {white out}the roads are blocked by a landslide {an avalanche}that word had been banned when confirmation of his brother's death finally filtered through.
"I will try if it clears..you rest yes and behave with the nurses" Garry smiled faintly and agreed "I'll be a good boy..take care Dad..have a pint for us eh" his Dad's voice wavered and he regretted the remark {again I'm runnin out of safe words here!} but he came back with more assurance "some ale should do it yes" the atmosphere relaxed a little they could have been sprawled on the sofa sampling Garry's home brew "you..fly begger" the Doctor interrupted the call he advised Garry to rest "sorry we need the phone back" they said goodbye and he sat back tired but relieved
"Anja's asking for you...but she'll have to wait..do you feel any nausea at all" he couldn't tell as everything was mercifully numb "eh no..I'm..fine" the Doctor read between the lines and ran his eyes over another climber recovering from a fall on Ben Nevis "you can talk to Ewan when your up to it" he nodded towards a young climber lying back watching the snow the look on his face depicted Garry's sudden lack of emotion "he had a rough time on the Ben 2 days ago.." Garry turned away from the idea and the constant reminders "sharing your ordeal might help you come to terms with losing your friends" he forced himself to agree just to ease the pressure
He was still searching for the right words when an irritating squeaking sound made him jump "Dougie?" Garry was afraid to turn around but then his friend had been determined to walk in his next life Garry listened to the noise the squeak from Dougie's new chair had driven him mad at 1st he almost could identify him with his eyes closed "how's the Northman...you will get into Valhol now yes" he changed position as Anja's beautiful disfigured face came into view the scarring seemed so unjust and he felt a brief flare of anger.
Garry let his eyes roam aimlessly around the ward until he could trust himself to take in Anja's facial injuries,her medical background helped her to see things more subjectively, he smiled at her interest in him and saw a real need "how did... you escape hmm?..... they wouldn't let me see you" Anja inched closer and the chair bumped against the framework of the bed "this..is..so hard to move" Garry studied her attempts to control the heavy chair and remembered Dougie shoving his in the pool in a fit of frustration "they're crap...and built to stop you runnin away" she gave up wrestling with the chair and smiled broadly at his skewed analogy "runnin hmm? Andre would laugh now at this and maybe Dougie too...he..ehm show off yes"
"Yeah he'd be spinnin like an eejit..." Highland accented voices distracted Garry for a second or 2 and time dragged then came to an abrupt halt as he caught sight of Seamus's double and choked back salty easy tears, Anja followed his gaze and inhaled sharply when her eye saw his face straight on, she quickly looked away not wanting to attract his attention he smiled and walked away talking to a nurse his resemblence was both comforting and agonising "he is so.." Anja held Garry's hand and he closed his clouded pain filled blue eyes they were loaded with guilt
Anja stood up unsteadily and sat on the edge of Garry's bed he wanted to reciprocate her kindness but the depth of her need was scaring him "listen you hear this already no look at me... please" her tone was at first urgent then gentle, and he found the change difficult to deal with "we made the choice yes..none of us are to blame no, and you cant save every 1...would your brother want these tears..they are more for him than our friends?" the question hung between them like a curtain fraying and unravelling too soon, before he'd had the chance to create some inventive bullshit
"....I think you should go and eh think about what you want.." she was hurt and caught off guard she had been only partly aware of the rapid shift in her affection for Garry,the spurt in its growth also the ease with which she joked about Dougie worried him,part of him refused to believe his friend had died but what he really feared was losing himself yet again, in the labyrinthine passages of grief
Anja tried to read his expression but his eyes moved quickly coming to rest on the swirling endless snow,and Ewan sitting alone and miserable,Anja could see she was wasting her time as Garry made eye contact with the young climber Ewan acknowledged him then stared into space, he seemed to be miles away and right here,Garry cleared his throat and poured a drink of water,buying precious time before taking that 1st awkward step
"Hi man some night" Ewan looked around as if several people had spoken to him then he realised "aye its hellish" he pulled the blanket up his legs and shivered "did you fall pal I've frightended myself on the ben a few times" livid grazes covered Ewan's left cheek,and the other 1 was sliced open with a nasty cut,frost bitten fingers gripped the blanket as he relived the disasterous climb "aye on tower ridge you know how it looks worse from the ground......." "yep I know..the ben's deceptive" Ewan stared out at the snow and Garry was unsure if he was going to continue "that's crap!" they left the conversation hanging in space scared of where it was heading, Garry wanted to get up and relieve himself,the sheets were tangled hot and sticky with dried sweat,but the operation had drained him..Ewan braced himself and wheeled over "here lean on me...pal" Garry held out a hand and the barrier came down inch by inch.
"You ok pal..see turning this thing" he argued with the chair which seemed to have developed a mind of its own "no put your left hand.... higher up, and.... the right 1 lower, ...now try it" Ewan shifted his hands and the chair turned to the left "your a natural..no problem" the climber sighed heavily and 1/2 smiled "my spine's badly bruised...my bloody legs are dead" Garry took in his fear and dread of being disabled "unless your spine's damaged you'll walk, as long as your not in a hurry" he rubbed his legs to test the sensation and Garry forced his grief back to a manageable distance "hope so... I'm due on the Jungfrau... in the summer,should be good eh" "yeah...and Heidi gettin all friendly after you summit hmm"
Ewan was just about to answer when Garry collapsed he was sweating cold and very weak, nurses hurried to him and checked his vital signs,"this il be due to the blood loss...bloody climbers" she carefully examined Garry's wound which was intact 2 more nurses arrived with a chair and helped Garry into it "give Sandy a shout..." she spoke to her colleague "he wont like this" they wheeled Garry back to his bed he was white and shocked "I'll no be surprised if there's another leak somewhere" the Doctor came running in and took a hard look at his patient as the nurses arranged his limp body on the bed "hmmm ok let's have a listen..." he placed the stethoscope on Garry's chest and heard normal breath sounds in each lung there seemed to be no indication of internal bleeding "that's strange" he stood up and scratched his back "I think its just overall weakness and delayed shock,but I want 20 minutes obs on him for the next hour and we'd be better fitting a catheter,that il stop his nibs stravaiging about the place"
He moved slightly as a distant cacophony of voices brought him up through the layers of consciousness, the sensation was similar to surfacing after diving far too deep, without the panic and desperation to breathe "Garry can you hear me...Garry" he was vaguely aware of a hand on his body but where he couldn't tell the voices were unfamiliar and strangely accented, they rose and fell simultaneously "Garry you fainted but you'll be fine just rest and let us help you" the Doctor had mercifully numbed his dick before fitting the catheter he didn't notice.
"That il do for the moment...if he crashes again it's back to theatre" the minute signs of life and heat returning to his body helped to bring him up,just reacting to the traces of light and sound confused him {would it hurt to stay down surrounded by peaceful silent darkness} his right hand strayed to the scar and further down, until he found the catheter,his fingers explored then a realisation set in and he felt a faint echo of disgust.
{Ohh f..k! No} Garry slowly regained consciousness as a pint of fresh blood dripped into his arm sounds began to make sense and the strange voices seperated and finally he recognised them,he swivelled his eyes back and forth but the movement made him dizzy "jesus its... worse...than the.. drink" Ewan sat by his bed and as his eyes flickered open he saw Dougie and shuddered as the hallucination reached out a hand and left it on his bed "man you went down like..christ!" Garry blinked to clear his vision then glanced at his visitor "eh? ..I ..don't..ohh man" Dougie's face swam in front of his eyes and he jammed them shut "am I upsetting you pal..I'm not a pretty sight" Ewan's Inverness accent faded into the distance and Garry tried to keep him there,he provided a fragile link with reality and made no demands,the climber however decided to let him sleep
As Garry drifted off a loud crack of thunder reminded him of the crash,he felt the helicopter lurch and sway wildly,while the cabin filled with electricity buzzing and zinging around them a living being intent on causing havoc. Then that awful moment when a bolt of hungry lightning struck the rotors, he awoke to find hot stinging tears splashing onto the bed, and a nurse standing over him with comforting words, he wanted to be held assured and sedated.
"Garry your all right son did you have a nightmare no your ok we've been expecting this" he was embarrassed and also frightened by the clarity of the dream there seemed to be no dividing line between what Dougie had suffered and what he was now forced to endure,{christ!...you were always stronger} Garry wiped his eyes on a tissue and carefully shifted his weight his right hip was sore and he concentrated on the sharp pins and needles as the blood re-entered the veins "feck..what time is it..man it's still snowin" thick clumps rocketed towards the earth as if on a mission, the NE wind had dropped and a cold moon glowed fleetingly beneath breaks in the cloud."Eh 7.45 would you like some tea Garry hmm and maybe something to eat, your very weak" he thought and agreed while watching the snow through a partially obscured window "that's a lad you'll be ok son" she smiled and he clung to it and her hand "how's Anja could you find out"
She slipped her hand from his as the wind resumed and whistled close to the building Garry shivered and pulled the blanket around him the nurse straightened the sheets and gave him another blanket "I don't blame you son its wild even by our standards..blinkin Norwegians" Garry lowered the blanket an inch and replied with more pride than he'd intended "I'm 1/2 Norse if you don't mind" she smiled and he blushed but his happiness was all too brief without his friends to brag to,his Viking blood meant very little " you rest son I'll get your tea...cheese sandwiches ok?" Garry nodded and swallowed hard "I keep seein my pals,...everythin reminds of em...I keep hearin their voices in my head why is that" the nurse took his hand and explained the reason "because of the trauma your not able to accept their gone and because you lost them so violently their imprinted in your mind it il take time Garry but you will recover".
She slipped her hand from his as the wind resumed and whistled close to the building Garry shivered and pulled the blanket around him the nurse straightened the sheets and gave him another blanket "I don't blame you son its wild even by our standards..blinkin Norwegians" Garry lowered the blanket an inch and replied with more pride than he'd intended "I'm 1/2 Norse if you don't mind" she smiled and he blushed but his happiness was all too brief without his friends to brag to,his Viking blood meant very little " you rest son I'll get your tea...cheese sandwiches ok?" Garry nodded and swallowed hard "I keep seein my pals,...everythin reminds of em...I keep hearin their voices in my head why is that" the nurse took his hand and explained the reason "because of the trauma your not able to accept their gone and because you lost them so violently their imprinted in your mind it il take time Garry but you will recover".
He gripped her hand as she prised his fingers away "I'll get your tea then check on Anja, she's missing you" he smiled 1/2 heartedly and tried to find something to look at the ward was full of injured climbers and walkers, broken limbs protruded from their blankets and ugly gashes and bruises, scarred their faces, to Garry, the room resembled a field hospital in a war zone "Christ we must be mad!" Ewan heard him and wheeled over Garry turned his head and saw the young climber wrestling with the chair "their crap eh all but useless" Ewan shot him a frustrated smile and agreed "I think its deliberate to stop you going anywhere" he eventually reached Garry's bed as his tea arrived "man I'm hungry now..thats a good sign right?" his statement was a question, and he hoped for a positive answer "can I join you ohh this chair!" in spite of her injuries Ewan was immediately impressed by Anja
"Are you 2 related or something hmm?" she smiled and ignored the pain from her bruised facial muscles "no but we are both Scandinavian my friend here" her sensual fingers wrapped themselves around Garry's hand like a vine "is 1/2 Norwegian ..I'm Swedish" Ewan glanced from Anja to Garry and back again as if appraising their features "your very alike...I really thought you were his sister" Garry felt her fingers withdrawing and he panicked "where you goin no please...stay!" Anja assured him with a wink and drank her tea "I wont leave until they say yes...I'm scared also"
The strengthening wind screamed and blew the snow into a crazy spiral then it twisted and turned back on itself, like a writhing snake "f..k I've never been more glad to be inside..even in here" Anja studied Garry's mood but he sensed that and closed off,she squeezed the palm of his hand and waited "won't you talk to me hmm? you know he has a real battle-axe at home...I'd love to see it" Garry disliked being referred to as if he had left the room "oi!d'y mind ..the snow freaks me out..I've seen enough to last...argh" Ewan wanted to help as he tried to find a comfortable position "this bed's fulla rocks its worse than An Teal..." even completing the mountain's name was more painful than the ache from his missing ribs "pal I've always been kinda reluctant about that 1,she's eh so remote,but I can see the attraction...I've heard you can fall in love just looking at her" Garry's eyes strayed to the young climber's hand manipulating the bone of his left femur this mirror image of Dougie's absent fiddling, disturbed him "yeah well our divorce came thru this afternoon"
The strengthening wind screamed and blew the snow into a crazy spiral then it twisted and turned back on itself, like a writhing snake "f..k I've never been more glad to be inside..even in here" Anja studied Garry's mood but he sensed that and closed off,she squeezed the palm of his hand and waited "won't you talk to me hmm? you know he has a real battle-axe at home...I'd love to see it" Garry disliked being referred to as if he had left the room "oi!d'y mind ..the snow freaks me out..I've seen enough to last...argh" Ewan wanted to help as he tried to find a comfortable position "this bed's fulla rocks its worse than An Teal..." even completing the mountain's name was more painful than the ache from his missing ribs "pal I've always been kinda reluctant about that 1,she's eh so remote,but I can see the attraction...I've heard you can fall in love just looking at her" Garry's eyes strayed to the young climber's hand manipulating the bone of his left femur this mirror image of Dougie's absent fiddling, disturbed him "yeah well our divorce came thru this afternoon"
Ewan drank his tea and rested his hand on his leg "that's what I said when the MR found me never again...isn't it what we all say hmm?" they thought about the numerous and touch n go rescues,the frightening falls, ending in broken limbs, the sunburn and dehydration on the Cullin in a heat wave,raw grazes and cuts that stung as the rain and sleet slammed into their faces,and ran down their arms, while they planted more protection in the unforgiving rock, and still they refused to admit the futility of their sport
"How long have you been here man I thought you'd be lyin flat out" Ewan shifted uneasily in the chair he wanted to forget the dread of being dependent on it "eh 2 weeks...I was meant to fly down to Glasgow but you hooligan Vikings ruined that idea" he smiled at Garry who answered with a stronger smile than he'd managed all day "at last I have missed that..he is wild this Northman...you wouldn't argue with Garry on whisky"
He smiled and kept a wary on his new friend who was easing the load on his right arm "I can imagine...he looks the type" Anja eyed Garry while eating her sandwich her colour had improved slightly but she was still very weak "I'm all right really...and drink is... very expensive in Sweden, because this lot go crazy,during... the long dark winters" Garry finally sat up and held the scar, he wanted to pretend it wasn't there, as the painkiller they had given him, just numbed the ragged edges of the dull persistant ache
"Are you 3 having a picnic there" a nurse came to check on Garry she took his blood pressure, checked the drip, and felt his pulse "hmmm your blood pressure is still low so you will feel quite dizzy for a while" he nodded thoughfully and surprised her with an answer so typical of his former self "feck! There goes my solo naked ice climb of obsevatory ridge" Ewan laughed at her gobsmacked expression as Anja gently wiped crumbs from Garry's chin there was deep affection and trust in her touch,and the intensity of "I need you" in her eyes sent an involuntary shiver trickling down his spine like cold sweat he was afraid to admit that he felt the same "if you even try that son we'll be calling in the shrink" Ewan was enjoying the banter,it provided momentary relief from the worry and reticence of the doctors
"Your a right nutter eh your also the 1st guy I've met who's not worried about losing his dick to frostbite" Garry sat back and said nothing but they knew by the satisfied look in his eyes that he wasn't trying to impress them with unsubstantiable lies "no you didn't ohh that is crazy and your so young to lose a dick..." Anja carefully laughed but her body protested "ohh you will make me ill" Ewan stared at his friends and shook his head "hmm where was this stunt were you soloing..surely not" Garry watched the snow from the opposite window while swallowing the last of his tea,he swirled the liquid around his mouth and concentrated on the taste to prevent himself from breaking down "are you all right hmm you don't need to say" Anja's hand on his was warm and he wanted more "eh yep...hmm I was with my brother..he dared me to try it so I couldn't say no and live it down,..we climbed on Lochnagar it was f..kin freezin I almost backed out but he wasn't havin it,when I was climbin...I was ok...but see at the top of Eagle Ridge the wind woulda skinned y'alive"
Garry coughed a little and instinctively held his scar the pain from his missing ribs had increased "man! your a certifiable nutter" Ewan extended a hand and they embraced Garry briefly felt stronger and lying helpless in bed was beginning to annoy him "is that you getting restless..climbers they're impossible" the nurse checked his vital signs and blood pressure "any good hmm I hate lyin here attached to this" Garry indicated with his middle finger to a bottle connected to the catheter,the fact that he couldn't piss on his own, was the last word in humiliation "its just until we'er happy with your blood pressure which is still low so be patient, and son your lucky to be here".
{Well that kinda luck's wasted on me} he 1/2 smiled and let his eyes wander they searched in vain for a distraction that wouldn't upset him "hey we are all lucky yes..I'm so glad you are here..but..I want them too all of them" he acknowledged her desire and saw that need again,it had deepened and evolved, into something that intrigued him "yeah I wonder..if they have found Seamus the thought a him lyin there it's too..familiar" Anja moved the chair forward,then climbed onto the bed and held Garry like the lover she hoped he might become,he kept himself together and smiled at Ewan who asked for a shot in the "Scandinavian love fest"
Anja slid from the bed and hobbled to Ewan who was squinting at her, although she was only a few feet away, they embraced and he made the most of it "oi! no I need a bit more and eh maybe a kiss" Anja left a far too beautiful kiss on his cheek and returned to her chair, Garry noticed Ewan's gaze was unsteady he seemed to be having trouble,directing it onto anything "whats up man are you right hmm" the young climber didn't answer straight away he was still squinting at Anja "...........I've eh....got M.S that's why I'm still here,it's a real pain in the arse..." he tried to move the chair and his hands failed to respond fully "shit...what a time to be stuck in 1 a these"
Garry sympathised with his frustration but it brought back uncomfortable memories of watching Dougie, fighting his way through rehab "how long have you had it and why the f..k are you climbin" he shook the tremble out of his hands and gripped the wheels "hmm about 3 years it comes and goes, its always worse when I've fallen,which happens too often" Garry could partly understand why he wanted to push himself, but in the case of An Teallach or Ben Nevis, the chosen route was several gruelling miles from the bothy, across ground rough enough to break an ankle "well man we'er both certifiable do the MR know about this" Ewan gazed at an attractive nurse and answered awkwardly "they... do...now I'm eh infamous for calling for a rescue on 5 climbs already, the Ben Nevis lot were not too pleased".
Ewan was confused by his pal's calm acceptance and the way in which they spoke as if the disease didn't exist "your eh very blase,most of the time its eh, uhm, well eh, I'll be back in a minute pal" there was a slight drag in his speech but it didn't matter however Anja quickly rescued Garry, from Ewan's curiosity "my brother's paralysed after a crash,..so its nothing new, and it's good that you climb I like your nerve"
he smiled with disregard for her terrible scars "thats a thought how will you get home the weather's set to deteriorate" she had pushed the thought of returning to her over protective family, to the back of her mind, the consequences were too unpleasant to deal with "ehm I'm not sure, soon I think, the clan will arrive to take me home" Garry had also ignored the fear of being left alone to cope with his grief and anger, he had thought of asking Anja to stay with his family until she was fit to travel, and the look in her eyes would make it easier "we'll sort somethin out..christ that's nowhere near full yet I must be dehydrated feck I can't wait to piss like a man again"
"That's a bloody luxury mate" Garry searched the climber's face for reassurance he desperately wanted to distance himself from Ewan,and the MS,but mostly from the memories of Dougie in the painful early days of re-adjustment "I'm all for luxury pal a warm dry bothy..edible grub....." Garry yawned indulgently and dismissed it immediately "eh..a dry day on Skye" Ewan smiled and stretched but the connection between his neurons was interrupted he grimaced and relaxed "bugger that eh at least I tried" the drag in his voice was more pronounced and Anja realised he was forcing himself to stay awake, she was unable to imagine falling into deep refreshing sleep, devoid of nightmares and faces of her dead friends
"You should be sleeping pal do you want a shove" an orderly came to persuade Ewan to rest he had already witnessed his distress and saw the fear in his eyes "we can give you something if it gets bad ok.." he spoke quietly but Anja heard most of it "and I'll be keeping an eye on you during the night" Ewan nodded and stared at his useless legs "how much longer eh I miss walking it's..." "a luxury" Garry held out a hand and smiled positively his acting skills were improving "yeah night pal you sleep well and if you want to talk about it.." Garry blinked rapidly and rubbed his eyes "I'll...maybe..cheers" Anja winked at Ewan and he returned it easily "if I can still do that then we'er ok".
As Anja backed the chair away from Garry she caught the pleading look in his eyes partly involuntary,but mostly deliberate,then as he listened to the nurse helping Ewan in to bed the grief overwhelmed him,he curled into a tight ball and bit into his fist, as the urge to cry swelled up inside him and escaped in a loud sob Anja held him as the emotion wracked his aching body "ohh no no I'm here don't worry its ok I miss him too cheeky fecker" Garry didn't hear her he was reliving those intense early days of Dougie's re-adjustment, learning when and how to help, the memories were vivid in their brilliance and pain..
she swept back his hair damp with sweat and tears, his face was red and hot from crying,and his eyes were filled with terror at his loss of purpose,Anja forced his fist out of his mouth and rubbed the deep teeth marks "Garry listen you will be all right..you have me yes always your friend" he gulped down a sob and wiped his face on a tissue he felt hot, uncomfortable and trapped "I want...this is too..what will I do now...he's not here to annoy me...I gave up so much for Dougie..." she poured a glass of water and gave it to him Garry held the cool glass against his cheek, then drank it in 1 "you are a great guy I'm proud to say we are friends..maybe you need to start somewhere else yes, somewhere new..." he was incredulous and not entirely sure of the conotation "come with me..start again in Sweden..I will help you recover,like Andre yes" she made their escape sound so simple and tempting and the possibility might have won him over, if an inner voice hadn't warned him to be careful..
"I need to sleep somehow hmm" she was hurt his attitude had changed abruptly now he was putting up the walls and shutting out the 1 who offered him what he craved and dreaded,having that much freedom all at once "don't close up please we need each other Garry.." Anja leaned across and kissed him her lips brushed his cheek and while he still unaware, his hand was on her shoulder and he'd given the game away "stay with me make your new start here"